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USA To Revert to British Colony!
BBC World Service broadcast 09:00 GMT 15/11/2000
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America...
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister, the rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP, (for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a governor for the American colonies without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium" and check the phonetic pronunciation.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
While you have the dictionary, look up "phonetic", "vocabulary" & "interspersed".
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There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
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You should learn to distinguish between English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that difficult.
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Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
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You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
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You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football.
What you currently refer to as "football" is a silly game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football where you actually use your feet.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, it is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies.
Plans to develop US rugby sevens side by 2005 are ambitious but not unachievable.
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You will be allowed to retain your "world series" rounders competition but only on the condition that you allow the Cubans and the Japanese to participate.
"But they're better than us" is not a valid excuse.
You will not be allowed to play cricket as it is too complicated for you and cannot be paused for commercials every ten minutes.
Besides, we have enough problems with cheating by our other colonies.
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You should declare war on Quebec and France using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.
The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
(Note: Merde is French for "shit".)
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July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England.
It will be called "Indecisive Day".
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All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap and it is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
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Please tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
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